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<title>The Strongest I Can Hope to Be Is Strong Enough to Leave by ByTheAngell (SomeLittleInfamy)</title>
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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29879721">The Strongest I Can Hope to Be Is Strong Enough to Leave</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/SomeLittleInfamy/pseuds/ByTheAngell'>ByTheAngell (SomeLittleInfamy)</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Hunter's moon 500 Word Prompts [38]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>The Shadowhunter Chronicles - Cassandra Clare</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alastair Carstairs POV, Angst, Angst and Feels, Canon Compliant, M/M, SPOILERS FOR CHAIN OF IRON</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-03-06</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-03-06</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-16 02:56:12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>500</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29879721</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/SomeLittleInfamy/pseuds/ByTheAngell</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Walking away from Thomas is that much harder now that Alastair got a taste of exactly what he's walking away from.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Alastair Carstairs/Thomas Lightwood</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Hunter's moon 500 Word Prompts [38]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1776664</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>6</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>82</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>The Strongest I Can Hope to Be Is Strong Enough to Leave</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Quick heads-up that this includes mentions of moments from Chain of Iron as well as a few quotes as remembered dialogue!!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>When Alastair decides to walk away from Thomas, it’s the most difficult thing he’s done all day.</p><p>This is a particularly impressive observation, Alastair notes, considering the number of difficult things he’s already done. Throwing himself under Clave suspicion and into temporary holding to serve as an alibi for Thomas (despite believing at the time that Thomas hated him) and watching Thomas be interrogated under the heavy weight of the Mortal Sword’s influence, feels like ages ago after the battle they fought side-by-side in after their release.</p><p>They didn’t just fight beside each other, they fought <em>together</em>, with Thomas reaching out to help Alastair, both of them watching each other’s backs. The emotional connection from their time in holding was still strong between them as they battled against the tendrils laying siege on the Institute from Leviathan. Despite the danger, it’d felt nice to work with Thomas like that.</p><p>
  <em>Are you like me?</em>
</p><p>That single question, the nervous hope behind the words, the way Thomas pressed their lips together in silent confirmation that perhaps all isn’t lost despite their missteps… in those moments before Will arrived, Alastair felt Thomas’ touches and kind words begin to mend all the broken pieces of his heart.</p><p>Now Alastair curses ever getting a taste of existing by Thomas’ side, of sharing stories and laughter, of the taste of his lips.</p><p>
  <em>‘I could tell them I liked men. They would have understood. But I couldn’t have told them how I felt about you.’</em>
</p><p>In a perfect world, Thomas’ friends would hear Alastair out - they’d give him another chance, and at the very least tolerate if not one day grow to enjoy his presence. No, in a perfect world he wouldn’t have done anything needing forgiveness in the first place. But this isn’t a perfect world, something the universe sees fit to remind Alastair of more with every passing day. Thomas can’t tell the others about him, and Alastair can’t be somebody’s secret, not again.</p><p>It’d be easier if Thomas hated him, but he doesn’t. He couldn’t, by his own admission, no matter how hard he tried. That’s all Alastair needs to remember to know that he’s doing the right thing here: Thomas knows his life will be easier without Alastair in it, it’s why he tried so hard to hate him in the first place.</p><p>Alastair isn’t sure if he’s more afraid of Thomas choosing him or <em>not</em> choosing him. He doesn’t think he could live with watching Thomas isolate himself from his best friends to be with him. He also doesn’t think he could live with hearing that he isn’t worth that sacrifice, as selfish as that is.</p><p>So instead of finding out Thomas’ answer, Alastair makes the decision for both of them by being the one to walk away, feeling the ache as his recently mended heart begins to shatter again. It hurts a little more with every step he takes further away from Thomas.</p><p>Further way from happiness. Further away from love.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>(Find me on  <a href="http://bytheangell.tumblr.com">Tumblr</a> and also on <a href="http://www.twitter.com/By_The_Angell">Twitter</a>! &lt;3 )</p></blockquote></div></div>
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